Getting Healthy

As many of you know for the past 6 months I have been all about getting emotionally, spiritually and physically healthy again.  This has been a challenge in many different ways, but today I am going to talk about the physical.

I have struggled with stomach issues since I was 13.  I have always had food allergies but never really knew to what extent.  I have had every test, every exam that you can possibly imagine and I am always told that they can't find anything and that the issues are probably stress related.  My physical problems have affected me to the point that they completely interfere with my life and keep me from doing things like normal 29 year-olds.  (or normal people for that matter)

A friend gave me a referral to a holistic doctor recently, because I have not been able to find any answers.  I have been through so much with doctors that I honestly thought I did not have any other options other then to live this way.  So off I went to see this holistic doctor with more doubt then faith in anything she could do.  

I have to admit this doctor was a little strange... but I didn't really care.  I will do anything to get better so I didn't care how strange or bizarre her methods were.  During my visit I was informed that she thinks she knows what is wrong with me.  I must admit I laughed, because let's be real... it's been 16 years and no one has ever figured it out.  But I let her proceed.  She told me she thinks that my body has grown and multiplied too much yeast in my intestines over the years and that is what is making me sick.  A combination of that and food allergies is what she believes is making the issues unbearable.  She informed me that I am allergic to chocolate, whey, dairy (milk, cheese), peppers, peanuts, sweeteners, and eggs.  (HOLY COW RIGHT?)  I thought "gosh, that's way more then I thought, now I'm screwed".  But then she proceeded to tell me that she helps clear allergies through acupressure and retraining the brain.  (HUH?!)  Yes!  So she cleared me for eggs that day and guess what?!  I can eat them without getting sick now...weird, right?

I am also starting my yeast-free diet and homeopathic regiment today to see if this all cures my stomach aliments.  For the first time in my life I HAVE HOPE that maybe, just maybe, I can be slightly normal.

I am excited for this journey in holistic medicine and I am going to be sharing here with all of you.... talk soon :)

This week

This is the week.  This is the week my life would have changed forever.  This Saturday would have been my wedding day.  This week would have been my wedding week.  This week all my friends and family would have been getting together to celebrate.  And yet, it is not happening.  I am obviously extremely sensitive this week.  I am sad, heartbroken and yet happy that I am not going through with the wedding.  So many emotions.  I know it's going to be a tough week but I am trying to make the most of it.  

I have been reflecting a lot as this week has been looming before me and as this date is coming closer and closer and I am realizing a lot of things.  At some point in the last few years, I realized I have become very cynical about things or life in general.  When I was younger people used to tell me I was like "sunshine" and I was always happy and looking for the good things in life.  But lately I have realized I look at things from a much more negative stand-point.  Something has happened in the last few years that has taken me from happy-go-lucky to debbie-downer.  I actually looked cynicism up in the dictionary to see if that was really what my debbie-downerness was.   Cynicism is "a disposition to disbelieve in the sincerity or goodness of human motives and actions".  And yes!  That's exactly how I feel.   I no longer look at the good in things, but I seem to find the bad.

I think a combination of things has caused this and maybe some of it is just growing up.  But I am the first to admit that being around negative people is no fun at all and so off I go to work on yet another part of my life.  The actor Jeff Bridges once said, "Most cynics are really crushed romantics: they've been hurt, they're sensitive, and their cynicism is a shell that's protecting this tiny, dear part in them that's still alive."  Maybe, just maybe, that's me?

Learning to respond in a positive manner is harder then people think.  Learning to look at the world and see "the good" and truly and sincerely believe some people have good intentions is very tough.  But I am going to try... and try hard.  

Pray for me friends!  This week is going to be a tough one, but I am going to focus on the good and try to be more of an optimist and less of a cynic.

One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn't pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself. - Lucille Ball

So apparently I'm the fat girl?

Hello Faithful Blog Readers!
Sorry I have been MIA for a while.  I was not going to write about what has been going on, but mainly I am so overwhelmed, I am hoping that maybe it will be therapeutic.

The last three months have been insane.  Ever since I called off my engagement I have had good days and bad days and this last week has been no exception.  I have been asked almost every day how my wedding plans are coming, if I am excited or even where my fiance is... like really.  I know people think that since I called off my engagement/wedding, that those comments shouldn't bother me, but THEY DO.  They make me sad.  They make me feel like a failure.  They affect me.  But! Moving on.  So on top of all of those things, I went on a date.  I thought it would be nice to "get out there again" and just meet people.  (And who doesn't love a free dinner?!)  The date went well and although I did not find him particularly attractive, he was kind and very sweet.  So all in all I was content with my first date since my breakup.  Then a few days later I received a text from said man that essentially said I was "too fat for him to continue dating".  Ummmm... Excuse me?  Yes. That's what I thought too.  I know I am overweight but I have never been called the "Fat Girl", ever.  I must admit what he said hurt me and even made me cry.  But mainly what it did was solidify in my mind what I have been thinking for the last few months.  Where in the world are the Godly, GOOD men?!  I am saddened by the lack of quality men MY AGE in America.  Really.  It is bad people.  It is sad.

Where are the men that are humble and teachable?  (Proverbs 12:15)  Where are the men that are HONEST?  (Psalms 15:2-5)  Where are the men who are selfless?  (Eph. 5:25-28)  Where are the providers? (1 Timothy 5:8) And most importantly the PROTECTORS - both physically and emotionally?  (1 Peter 3:7)  Why is it that CHRISTIAN men feel the need to be like worldly men?  Why are they struggling with sexual sins (deep ones), materialism and even treating women poorly?

I know the answer is sinful nature.  But really.  Where are the men of integrity?!  Where are the REAL men who will stand up and say, "I am a sinful man, but I will be a man of honesty and integrity and follow God?!"

What kind of man thinks it is okay to criticize a woman's looks?!  What kind of man treats a woman like that?  Not a Godly one. Where are the men that LOVE the woman they are with from the top of their head to their toes.  The men who want to show her off and tell the world about her because she is so amazing.  The men who make is so known to their woman that they love her that she never has to wonder or ask.  Men who treat women like the princesses they are.  Men who shatter insecurities with love.

(And I KNOW that some of these can be said for women.  I know women are not helping this situation but I am focusing on men in this blog).

Needless to say friends.  I am sad.  I am dumbfounded.  And I am shocked at the way men, who claim to be Christians, are acting.

I do not know what the solution is.  I really don't.  Other then men taking a stand and putting down pride in order to follow Jesus fully - along with discipleship.

But I do know that I am done with the dating thing for now.  God is still working on me and dealing with ME on some things and so for now, it is best.  And I also know that as a woman I am going to begin to pray for the men in my age group.  I know there are many pressures in this world and they need to be covered in prayer.  I know I am going to start vigorously praying for my future husband, that God would MOLD him into the man I described above.  And I am going to strive to become the woman that THAT man deserves.

And the Journey Continues...

OK... So I am still reading One Thousand Gifts and I think I am starting to see how this woman changed on her journey.  In the book she talks about how the Bible tells us to give thanks.  And how Paul says twice that it is a "practice we must learn"... this idea of giving thanks, because giving thanks brings joy.  She begins to write a list of all things she is thankful for, on a daily basis, no matter how big or small, she writes them down.  She starts to realize that just naming the gifts is her acknowledging them and how they bring her joy.

"Now, in the Bible a name... reveals the very essence of a thing, or rather the essence as God's gift... To name a things is to manifest the meaning and value God gave it, to know it as coming from God and to know its place and function within the cosmos created by God.  To name a thing, in other words is to bless God for it and in it."

"This naming really does call now a gift, a gift of God!  When I name it (the gift), the naming of it manifests its meaning: to know it comes from God."

Basically, she is saying that by giving thanks for specific things, just naming them, just speaking them out, or writing them down, is giving them a name and therefore realizing that that one thing, that one gift, is from God.

She goes on to talk about how this action of giving thanks must be practiced.  She quotes C.S Lewis who said, "If you think of this world as a place intended simply for our happiness, you find it quite intolerable: think of it as a place of training and correction and it's not so bad".

This is why MANY of us have not learned to give thanks (or name the gifts) in our lives.  Because although it is preached and taught, we do not practice it.  I don't know about you, but I still come home after sermons on thanks and gripe.  It is time to start training, practicing this idea of thanks.  This idea of naming the gifts in my life, in order to know it comes from God.  This might be the hardest "training" of my life, but as the author says, "It just might save my life".

Little or big things - it's time to start practicing naming them and giving thanks.

My Gifts:
1. A house
2. My nephew's smiles
3. My nieces' hugs
4. Cool breeze in the evening
5. Moonlight
6. Cookies baking in the oven
7. Baby birds chirping
8. Friends who call to say HI
9. Songs that speak to my heart
10. A baby's laughter

Mumbo-Jumbo

There are so many things I want to share.  I have been reading One Thousand Gifts and I have been marking, highlighting, underlining, the book is completely marked up.  Tomorrow marks one month since I made a life-changing decision.  As I wrote that I felt my heart jump, a lump in my throat.  I know I am not past the emotional-ness of the situation, but I cannot believe it has been a month already.  When I look back, my first thoughts are that I have done nothing this month.  I have been depressed. Mopey. Accomplished nothing.  But then I start to think harder.  Actually, I have been pro-active.  I am putting on foot in front of the other.  I am moving forward, slowly, but still moving.  So many people have reached out to me, some telling me they love me, support me, etc.  Some telling me that I am an inspiration. And honestly, I laugh to myself.  I do not see myself that way, but maybe that's the beauty of being surrounded by others - encouragement.  A friend emailed me today and reminded me to think of GRACE.  GRACE.  Something that is so misconstrued.  GRACE.  The word that means we do not have to be perfect.  GRACE.  I am going to be starting a study on grace along with my readings.  I am so humbled that God is placing people in my life to show me His goodness.  I am still feeling the "woe is me", but on days like today, I just sit and smile at the words people have written me.  Words that God has written me.

ANYWAYS! Back to the book.  Ann Voskamp begins to talk about how she sees life and how she sees God in it. (before her "transformation")  And these words she writes are words that I remember saying these last few weeks...maybe even years.  "...this the toxic air of the world, this atmosphere we inhale, burning into our lungs, this NO GOD.  No, God, we won't take what You give.  No, God, Your plans are a gutted, bleeding mess and I didn't sign up for this and You really thought I would go for this?  No, God, this is ugly and this is a mess and I'll take it from here, thanks."  She goes on to say, "Isn't this the human inheritance, the legacy of the Garden?"

When I was reading this I began to realize how often I try to take control from God's hands and place it in my own.  There are so many times I try to 'change my story', or the story God is writing for me.  Sometimes I feel His story is too messy, too hurtful, too much.

Ann Voskamp goes on to talk about a conversation with her brother-in-law and his family's struggles.  In the conversation he says to her, "Maybe...maybe you don't want to change the story, because you don't know what a different ending holds.  Maybe...I guess...it's accepting there are things we simply don't understand, but He does."

WHOA! That's what I thought when I read that. Who am I to think I can write my story better then the God of the universe?  Who am I to think I can see things better then he can?  Who am I?

Again... this book is challenging me...day by day.  I am starting to see things in a different light and I am thankful to those of you who are reading my rants and encouraging me everyday.

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

I have been doing ALOT of reflecting lately - almost too much reflecting.  I have realized that I do not like the person I have become in certain areas of my life.  In the last four years, certain situations have really taken a toll on who I am and who I want to be.  Well, let me rephrase that.  I have ALLOWED those situations to affect me, who I am and who I want to be.  There are so many things I want to change and I have been reflecting on them so much that I have been getting depressed.  Like really depressed. Overwhelmed with who I am and what I want to change.  And feeling like there is this mountain in front of me and it's impossible.  But then I was talking to a friend and they helped me put it into perspective.

Friend: It's like walking into a dirty house and just sitting there thinking about how dirty it is and getting overwhelmed.  Instead take it room by room and eventually the house will be clean.

Now for a clean freak like me, this made so much sense.  I would never come into my house with it being that dirty and just sit there and cry about how dirty it is.  I would start cleaning - like a crazy person.  What a perfect analogy for my life!  

I also was listening to some music and two songs came on, one right after the other and the lyrics have been stuck in my head.

Rascal Flatts - When the Sand Runs Out
Today is the first day of the rest of my life
I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on
And learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here
Go out on a ledge, with out any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah I wanna be runnin'
When the sand runs out
'Cause people do it everyday
Promise themselves they're gonna change
I've been there, but I'm changin' from the inside out
That was then and this is now
I'm a new man, yeah, I'm a brand new man
And when they carve my stone they'll write these words
"Here lies a man who lived life for all that its worth"

Kelly Clarkson - What Doesn't Kill You
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I'd come running back
Baby, you don't know me, 'cause you're dead wrong
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes you fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone


All of these things have just confirmed to me that I CAN CHANGE.  I can turn my life into something positive, something inspirational, something stronger.  (And obviously with God's help!)  There is no need to be depressed and sad about what could have been or how I could be different - it's just time to change.  So here's to "The first day of the rest of my life!"

Day One

I began reading "One Thousand Gifts" this morning and I was stunned to see on page 12, the quiet questions that no one hears, that my heart cries too often lately.  Ann Voskamp, the author of this book, stated these questions were the questions she asked when she was just simply getting up every day and going through the motions, living life raw.  The following lines from her book perfectly sum up what is in my heart (lately) and what this journey of learning to celebrate life and finding something good every day is all about.

"Where is God, really?  How can He be good when babies die, marriages implode, and dreams blow away, dust in the wind?  Where is grace bestowed when cancer gnaws and loneliness aches and nameless places in us soundlessly die, break off without reason, erode away.  Where hides this joy of the Lord, this God who fills the earth with good things, and how do I fully live when life is full of hurt?  How do I wake up to joy and grace and beauty and all that is the fullest life when I must stay numb to losses and crushed dreams and all that empties me out?"

I am on this journey to answer these questions.  I believe God is going to reveal himself and I firmly believe this book is going to help me start seeing the gifts in every day life.