And the Journey Continues...

OK... So I am still reading One Thousand Gifts and I think I am starting to see how this woman changed on her journey.  In the book she talks about how the Bible tells us to give thanks.  And how Paul says twice that it is a "practice we must learn"... this idea of giving thanks, because giving thanks brings joy.  She begins to write a list of all things she is thankful for, on a daily basis, no matter how big or small, she writes them down.  She starts to realize that just naming the gifts is her acknowledging them and how they bring her joy.

"Now, in the Bible a name... reveals the very essence of a thing, or rather the essence as God's gift... To name a things is to manifest the meaning and value God gave it, to know it as coming from God and to know its place and function within the cosmos created by God.  To name a thing, in other words is to bless God for it and in it."

"This naming really does call now a gift, a gift of God!  When I name it (the gift), the naming of it manifests its meaning: to know it comes from God."

Basically, she is saying that by giving thanks for specific things, just naming them, just speaking them out, or writing them down, is giving them a name and therefore realizing that that one thing, that one gift, is from God.

She goes on to talk about how this action of giving thanks must be practiced.  She quotes C.S Lewis who said, "If you think of this world as a place intended simply for our happiness, you find it quite intolerable: think of it as a place of training and correction and it's not so bad".

This is why MANY of us have not learned to give thanks (or name the gifts) in our lives.  Because although it is preached and taught, we do not practice it.  I don't know about you, but I still come home after sermons on thanks and gripe.  It is time to start training, practicing this idea of thanks.  This idea of naming the gifts in my life, in order to know it comes from God.  This might be the hardest "training" of my life, but as the author says, "It just might save my life".

Little or big things - it's time to start practicing naming them and giving thanks.

My Gifts:
1. A house
2. My nephew's smiles
3. My nieces' hugs
4. Cool breeze in the evening
5. Moonlight
6. Cookies baking in the oven
7. Baby birds chirping
8. Friends who call to say HI
9. Songs that speak to my heart
10. A baby's laughter

Mumbo-Jumbo

There are so many things I want to share.  I have been reading One Thousand Gifts and I have been marking, highlighting, underlining, the book is completely marked up.  Tomorrow marks one month since I made a life-changing decision.  As I wrote that I felt my heart jump, a lump in my throat.  I know I am not past the emotional-ness of the situation, but I cannot believe it has been a month already.  When I look back, my first thoughts are that I have done nothing this month.  I have been depressed. Mopey. Accomplished nothing.  But then I start to think harder.  Actually, I have been pro-active.  I am putting on foot in front of the other.  I am moving forward, slowly, but still moving.  So many people have reached out to me, some telling me they love me, support me, etc.  Some telling me that I am an inspiration. And honestly, I laugh to myself.  I do not see myself that way, but maybe that's the beauty of being surrounded by others - encouragement.  A friend emailed me today and reminded me to think of GRACE.  GRACE.  Something that is so misconstrued.  GRACE.  The word that means we do not have to be perfect.  GRACE.  I am going to be starting a study on grace along with my readings.  I am so humbled that God is placing people in my life to show me His goodness.  I am still feeling the "woe is me", but on days like today, I just sit and smile at the words people have written me.  Words that God has written me.

ANYWAYS! Back to the book.  Ann Voskamp begins to talk about how she sees life and how she sees God in it. (before her "transformation")  And these words she writes are words that I remember saying these last few weeks...maybe even years.  "...this the toxic air of the world, this atmosphere we inhale, burning into our lungs, this NO GOD.  No, God, we won't take what You give.  No, God, Your plans are a gutted, bleeding mess and I didn't sign up for this and You really thought I would go for this?  No, God, this is ugly and this is a mess and I'll take it from here, thanks."  She goes on to say, "Isn't this the human inheritance, the legacy of the Garden?"

When I was reading this I began to realize how often I try to take control from God's hands and place it in my own.  There are so many times I try to 'change my story', or the story God is writing for me.  Sometimes I feel His story is too messy, too hurtful, too much.

Ann Voskamp goes on to talk about a conversation with her brother-in-law and his family's struggles.  In the conversation he says to her, "Maybe...maybe you don't want to change the story, because you don't know what a different ending holds.  Maybe...I guess...it's accepting there are things we simply don't understand, but He does."

WHOA! That's what I thought when I read that. Who am I to think I can write my story better then the God of the universe?  Who am I to think I can see things better then he can?  Who am I?

Again... this book is challenging me...day by day.  I am starting to see things in a different light and I am thankful to those of you who are reading my rants and encouraging me everyday.

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

I have been doing ALOT of reflecting lately - almost too much reflecting.  I have realized that I do not like the person I have become in certain areas of my life.  In the last four years, certain situations have really taken a toll on who I am and who I want to be.  Well, let me rephrase that.  I have ALLOWED those situations to affect me, who I am and who I want to be.  There are so many things I want to change and I have been reflecting on them so much that I have been getting depressed.  Like really depressed. Overwhelmed with who I am and what I want to change.  And feeling like there is this mountain in front of me and it's impossible.  But then I was talking to a friend and they helped me put it into perspective.

Friend: It's like walking into a dirty house and just sitting there thinking about how dirty it is and getting overwhelmed.  Instead take it room by room and eventually the house will be clean.

Now for a clean freak like me, this made so much sense.  I would never come into my house with it being that dirty and just sit there and cry about how dirty it is.  I would start cleaning - like a crazy person.  What a perfect analogy for my life!  

I also was listening to some music and two songs came on, one right after the other and the lyrics have been stuck in my head.

Rascal Flatts - When the Sand Runs Out
Today is the first day of the rest of my life
I'm gonna stop lookin' back and start movin' on
And learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart, make my mark
I wanna leave something here
Go out on a ledge, with out any net
That's what I'm gonna be about
Yeah I wanna be runnin'
When the sand runs out
'Cause people do it everyday
Promise themselves they're gonna change
I've been there, but I'm changin' from the inside out
That was then and this is now
I'm a new man, yeah, I'm a brand new man
And when they carve my stone they'll write these words
"Here lies a man who lived life for all that its worth"

Kelly Clarkson - What Doesn't Kill You
Bet you think that everything good is gone
Think you left me broken down
Think that I'd come running back
Baby, you don't know me, 'cause you're dead wrong
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes you fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone


All of these things have just confirmed to me that I CAN CHANGE.  I can turn my life into something positive, something inspirational, something stronger.  (And obviously with God's help!)  There is no need to be depressed and sad about what could have been or how I could be different - it's just time to change.  So here's to "The first day of the rest of my life!"

Day One

I began reading "One Thousand Gifts" this morning and I was stunned to see on page 12, the quiet questions that no one hears, that my heart cries too often lately.  Ann Voskamp, the author of this book, stated these questions were the questions she asked when she was just simply getting up every day and going through the motions, living life raw.  The following lines from her book perfectly sum up what is in my heart (lately) and what this journey of learning to celebrate life and finding something good every day is all about.

"Where is God, really?  How can He be good when babies die, marriages implode, and dreams blow away, dust in the wind?  Where is grace bestowed when cancer gnaws and loneliness aches and nameless places in us soundlessly die, break off without reason, erode away.  Where hides this joy of the Lord, this God who fills the earth with good things, and how do I fully live when life is full of hurt?  How do I wake up to joy and grace and beauty and all that is the fullest life when I must stay numb to losses and crushed dreams and all that empties me out?"

I am on this journey to answer these questions.  I believe God is going to reveal himself and I firmly believe this book is going to help me start seeing the gifts in every day life.