Mumbo-Jumbo

There are so many things I want to share.  I have been reading One Thousand Gifts and I have been marking, highlighting, underlining, the book is completely marked up.  Tomorrow marks one month since I made a life-changing decision.  As I wrote that I felt my heart jump, a lump in my throat.  I know I am not past the emotional-ness of the situation, but I cannot believe it has been a month already.  When I look back, my first thoughts are that I have done nothing this month.  I have been depressed. Mopey. Accomplished nothing.  But then I start to think harder.  Actually, I have been pro-active.  I am putting on foot in front of the other.  I am moving forward, slowly, but still moving.  So many people have reached out to me, some telling me they love me, support me, etc.  Some telling me that I am an inspiration. And honestly, I laugh to myself.  I do not see myself that way, but maybe that's the beauty of being surrounded by others - encouragement.  A friend emailed me today and reminded me to think of GRACE.  GRACE.  Something that is so misconstrued.  GRACE.  The word that means we do not have to be perfect.  GRACE.  I am going to be starting a study on grace along with my readings.  I am so humbled that God is placing people in my life to show me His goodness.  I am still feeling the "woe is me", but on days like today, I just sit and smile at the words people have written me.  Words that God has written me.

ANYWAYS! Back to the book.  Ann Voskamp begins to talk about how she sees life and how she sees God in it. (before her "transformation")  And these words she writes are words that I remember saying these last few weeks...maybe even years.  "...this the toxic air of the world, this atmosphere we inhale, burning into our lungs, this NO GOD.  No, God, we won't take what You give.  No, God, Your plans are a gutted, bleeding mess and I didn't sign up for this and You really thought I would go for this?  No, God, this is ugly and this is a mess and I'll take it from here, thanks."  She goes on to say, "Isn't this the human inheritance, the legacy of the Garden?"

When I was reading this I began to realize how often I try to take control from God's hands and place it in my own.  There are so many times I try to 'change my story', or the story God is writing for me.  Sometimes I feel His story is too messy, too hurtful, too much.

Ann Voskamp goes on to talk about a conversation with her brother-in-law and his family's struggles.  In the conversation he says to her, "Maybe...maybe you don't want to change the story, because you don't know what a different ending holds.  Maybe...I guess...it's accepting there are things we simply don't understand, but He does."

WHOA! That's what I thought when I read that. Who am I to think I can write my story better then the God of the universe?  Who am I to think I can see things better then he can?  Who am I?

Again... this book is challenging me...day by day.  I am starting to see things in a different light and I am thankful to those of you who are reading my rants and encouraging me everyday.